-sighs-

I'm a Horrible Person. I swear almost everytime i talk to my best friend. I piss her off. i don't want to go to her party becasue there are more cons then pros on me going. 

Cons:
I'll be avoiding her and her idiot boyfriend
I'll be avoiding Aubrey
I'll be miserable
I won't know anyone
I'll have to wear a dress
I'll have to take work off


Pros:
nothing. i can't think of any pros. so i told her i wasn't going to go. i explained why and all she did was get mad even when she said she wouldn't. -sighs- i feel like she lies to me. she said she wouldn't get mad. but guess what? She did. I feel like i can't talk to her like i used too.  I get it. it's her last birthday before i leave on my mission for 18 months. i told i could come on her actual birthday and hang out with her. but she didn't care. i have to be at her party. so i finally gave in. but i told her i'd only take one day off of work because i need money for my mission. witch is true. and she just got even more mad. she wont even talk to me. i could've easily lied to her. and just not have gone. cuz i "forgot" to take work off or "my boss wont let me" but no. i have to be a good person and tell the truth. and of course i have to tell her before my birthday. so i don't even know if she still wants to come down for that. -sighs- it's stoopid. i feel like all we do is fight now a days. and i hate fighting. we'll be fine for a few days. but then she gets mad at me again.  -sighs-  we've gone through hell together. and were continually going back. I don't want to go through hell again.I wish she would just support what i want to do. I support everything she does. even with her boyfriend. I told what i thought. and i ended it at that.and i let her do her thing. but whenever i try and do something or i oppose what she wants. she gets way pissed. and i'm sick of it. -sighs- 

Depressing.

so much for a depressing background. stoopid blogger.

People.

Why do people make it there mission in life to make me miserable?  I may be in college now.but that hasn't changed at all. even my roommates now. i swear. they hate me. and want me to have a horrible life.we'll guess what? it's working. they constantly ditch me. they don't want me to be included in anything. and right now.i feel so alone.i feel like i don't have any friends. not even my best friend. i feel like she doesn't want to help me. but she's expecting me to help her with her problems. -sighs- She's told me she hates relationships like that. but now she's doing it to me. i texted he about a delema i was having. and i wanted advice. and all she said was. "i sorry." and "that sucks." even after i asked what should i do. thats all i would get in a reply. i don't want to question our friendship. but today i couldn't stop questioning it. i just thought the thoughts to myself. i haven't said anything to her. now. you might be wondering why i put this on my blog. but i can tell you. that i know for a fact that she doesn't read it. so it doesn't matter. -sighs-i'm starting to just wonder if i'm even met to have friends? or at least life lasting ones.I don't know why i even try anymore. I think i've decided i'm going to be a pessimist. since i practically am one anyways. i'm starting to think horrible thoughts again. -sighs- if i actually did die. no one would care. so why am i alive? maybe i'm just a horrible person. i don't know.....it feels like i don't deserve to live. maybe i shouldn't live.

Work.

When I first started working at Papa John's Pizza. I hated it. There was this girl that we started at the same time and everything. and for some reason she just hated me. she didn't even know me. Why does she have the right to treat me like Shit? She doesn't. but now. i apsolutly Love working there. I have a friend there now. She is so great. and now that i don't work with the girl that hates me that much it's great. Tysen (the girl i get along with) is just awesome. she's 17 and graduated high school early. she wants to be an ASL interpreter we have fun signing to each other.  she also has a kid. Niki. i can't wait to meet her. i've only seen pictures. she also invited me to her party. but she necleted to tell me when it was.  but i'm excited anyways. after i met her. I started constantly asking myself. Why do i always get along with the people who have gone through hell? or how are not apart of the church? or very much inactive? Cuz Tysen like Sydney has gone through hell. and there have been many times when i've stated my beliefs and she asks me questions.instead totally bashing on it. and she doesn't hate me for it either. I think she has a silent respect for me because of it. She's told that all of the mormons she's met are some of the worst people. and that right off the back tells me that the mormon's she's met are not truely converted. or are living it correctly. She knows i'm planing on serving a mission. She has not bashed me on that either. She's questioned me why i want to and stuff like that. but she's never out right told me why would you do a stoopid thing like that? or something. I hope that we'll stay friend through my mission. maybe she'll write me. that would be great. i'd love to see her when i get back from my mission too. she's made choices and she prevails. she's a fighter. and i totally respect her for that.after everything she's gone through. and expessually since she's a mom now. she gets it. it's not about her. it's about her kid and the best life she can give to her. we always have so much fun at work together when we do get to work together our mind is like on the same channel. it's great. sometimes it feels like we've known each other longer then we really have. i find that interesting.  cuz that exact samething happened with me and sydney. and were best friends. i wonder what it means with how we'll i've connected with Tysen. i dunno... maybe i'll find out soon.from the near future.