35 Days

I will be leaving in 35 days to go the the provo MTC. I'm going to be serving a mission for 18 months in seattle washington. I'm so excited!!! it's going to be so great!!! I hope i'll be a good missionary. :\ We'll see. but i know it'll be the best 18 months of my life. I also just recently learned that Seattle has the biggest Deaf Culture because all of the deaf schools. So i hope i'll be able to use my ASL!!! I just love Sign Language!! so i really hope i'll be able to use it. along with alot of other languges that will be there. 

Good News

We'll the good news is that Sydney broke up with her boyfriend. and i've decided i'm just and idiot. I can't do anything right.I feel so useless. My Guardian Angel wont even stay. -sighs - We'll that's all i've got. I guess that's not all good news. but my life rarely has good news. so yeah... 

-sighs-

I'm a Horrible Person. I swear almost everytime i talk to my best friend. I piss her off. i don't want to go to her party becasue there are more cons then pros on me going. 

Cons:
I'll be avoiding her and her idiot boyfriend
I'll be avoiding Aubrey
I'll be miserable
I won't know anyone
I'll have to wear a dress
I'll have to take work off


Pros:
nothing. i can't think of any pros. so i told her i wasn't going to go. i explained why and all she did was get mad even when she said she wouldn't. -sighs- i feel like she lies to me. she said she wouldn't get mad. but guess what? She did. I feel like i can't talk to her like i used too.  I get it. it's her last birthday before i leave on my mission for 18 months. i told i could come on her actual birthday and hang out with her. but she didn't care. i have to be at her party. so i finally gave in. but i told her i'd only take one day off of work because i need money for my mission. witch is true. and she just got even more mad. she wont even talk to me. i could've easily lied to her. and just not have gone. cuz i "forgot" to take work off or "my boss wont let me" but no. i have to be a good person and tell the truth. and of course i have to tell her before my birthday. so i don't even know if she still wants to come down for that. -sighs- it's stoopid. i feel like all we do is fight now a days. and i hate fighting. we'll be fine for a few days. but then she gets mad at me again.  -sighs-  we've gone through hell together. and were continually going back. I don't want to go through hell again.I wish she would just support what i want to do. I support everything she does. even with her boyfriend. I told what i thought. and i ended it at that.and i let her do her thing. but whenever i try and do something or i oppose what she wants. she gets way pissed. and i'm sick of it. -sighs- 

Depressing.

so much for a depressing background. stoopid blogger.

People.

Why do people make it there mission in life to make me miserable?  I may be in college now.but that hasn't changed at all. even my roommates now. i swear. they hate me. and want me to have a horrible life.we'll guess what? it's working. they constantly ditch me. they don't want me to be included in anything. and right now.i feel so alone.i feel like i don't have any friends. not even my best friend. i feel like she doesn't want to help me. but she's expecting me to help her with her problems. -sighs- She's told me she hates relationships like that. but now she's doing it to me. i texted he about a delema i was having. and i wanted advice. and all she said was. "i sorry." and "that sucks." even after i asked what should i do. thats all i would get in a reply. i don't want to question our friendship. but today i couldn't stop questioning it. i just thought the thoughts to myself. i haven't said anything to her. now. you might be wondering why i put this on my blog. but i can tell you. that i know for a fact that she doesn't read it. so it doesn't matter. -sighs-i'm starting to just wonder if i'm even met to have friends? or at least life lasting ones.I don't know why i even try anymore. I think i've decided i'm going to be a pessimist. since i practically am one anyways. i'm starting to think horrible thoughts again. -sighs- if i actually did die. no one would care. so why am i alive? maybe i'm just a horrible person. i don't know.....it feels like i don't deserve to live. maybe i shouldn't live.

Work.

When I first started working at Papa John's Pizza. I hated it. There was this girl that we started at the same time and everything. and for some reason she just hated me. she didn't even know me. Why does she have the right to treat me like Shit? She doesn't. but now. i apsolutly Love working there. I have a friend there now. She is so great. and now that i don't work with the girl that hates me that much it's great. Tysen (the girl i get along with) is just awesome. she's 17 and graduated high school early. she wants to be an ASL interpreter we have fun signing to each other.  she also has a kid. Niki. i can't wait to meet her. i've only seen pictures. she also invited me to her party. but she necleted to tell me when it was.  but i'm excited anyways. after i met her. I started constantly asking myself. Why do i always get along with the people who have gone through hell? or how are not apart of the church? or very much inactive? Cuz Tysen like Sydney has gone through hell. and there have been many times when i've stated my beliefs and she asks me questions.instead totally bashing on it. and she doesn't hate me for it either. I think she has a silent respect for me because of it. She's told that all of the mormons she's met are some of the worst people. and that right off the back tells me that the mormon's she's met are not truely converted. or are living it correctly. She knows i'm planing on serving a mission. She has not bashed me on that either. She's questioned me why i want to and stuff like that. but she's never out right told me why would you do a stoopid thing like that? or something. I hope that we'll stay friend through my mission. maybe she'll write me. that would be great. i'd love to see her when i get back from my mission too. she's made choices and she prevails. she's a fighter. and i totally respect her for that.after everything she's gone through. and expessually since she's a mom now. she gets it. it's not about her. it's about her kid and the best life she can give to her. we always have so much fun at work together when we do get to work together our mind is like on the same channel. it's great. sometimes it feels like we've known each other longer then we really have. i find that interesting.  cuz that exact samething happened with me and sydney. and were best friends. i wonder what it means with how we'll i've connected with Tysen. i dunno... maybe i'll find out soon.from the near future. 

Losing a Friend.

Recently i have kinda felt like i've been loosing one of my friends. It makes me really sad. We used to be really close and now they just seem to be pulling away. I used to talk to this friend all the time. and tell them everything. but now we barley talk.and when try i get one word answers that i can't really do anything with. I really hope i didn't do anything to offend this person. or something. I really hope things will get better. But i don't know if they will. I really don't want to loose another friend. :(   

The Joys.

Why i titled this the joys. i'm not sure. Then i should ask myself what do i joy? I could say i enjoy going to work. but that's only partially true. I really only like working when i work with Tysen. Cuz we've gotten close. but other then that i don't really like work that much. i get ignored alot. so i don't enjoy it as much as the others. I really enjoy Disneyland.  i can't wait to work there. i guess i enjoy watching T.V.,Role playing,Live Role Playing, Video gaming, Swimming, cooking, baking. i guess. reading this list kinda makes me sound lame. but i guess that's what happens when you don't really have any friends. you may ask as the reader why i'm posting this. I can honestly say. I have no Idea. now. i have a question for you. as my reader.Why do you read my blog? it's not that entertaining or exciting.  just dull and boring. just like me. all though my best friend knows i'm truely insane.You might ask why don't i post my insane stuff. i dunno. it might do with the fact that i never get to do anything insane cuz i have no friends. so if i ever make friends and have time to do insane things. this random blog will be full of insanity. so yeah....that's i have to say...i guess.

Today

So today was like every other day. watched prison break all day. and did really nothing.  yelled at the door "were not home!"whenever someone came to the door. me and Ariel went to macey's and got icecream. then i went to my aunt's and uncles for dinner. it was really boring. so i couldn't wait to leave.

People

So recently I've been texting my friend but the last 3 days he hasn't replied.i tried calling last night and no answer.i wonder if i did something wrong.

Life.

All i have to say is life sucks. we'll i guess it sucks just as before.except for i actually have one constant friend. my Best Friend. we've had many difficulties recently. sometimes i feel She's the only person who understands me. the only person who will ever want to know me. be with and talk with me constantly. everyone else in this world....just seems to hate me. especially the people i've known the longest. i just seem to be used as a friend of convince and in the long run i don't really matter to them. as long as i just have what they want. I don't really matter to them. or really anyone. it's great finally having a friend who actually cares for me. but i can tell that all of her friends don't really like me. theres about one who does. but the rest i feel like they just try and tare us apart. it really doesn't help that i'm a year older then her so i'm graduated and going to college and am getting ready to serve a mission. and when she tells me about her day i can tell that the people she hangs around with are happy i'm not there this year. and i'm saying that just cuz thats what i feel like. but it's the truth. the few times when i can go down and visit during school lunch to hang out with her. they all glare at me or put on fake smiles. saying. "we haven't seen you in forever!?" or "how are you?" and attempt to be nice to me. but i can tell. they all prefer it when i'm gone. they'd probably like even better if i wasn't even her friend anymore. but i'm not going to stop. she's my best friend. and i 'll stick with her. i know she'd never leave me. and i know she says screw all those other people who look down on me. she embraces who i am. i'm never a friend of convince. she includes me even if i got to the parities she throws and all those other people are there. she makes sure i have someone to talk to. (okay. so someone meaning mainly her) and i'm not left alone during it so i can have a somewhat fun time. all i ever have to question is. Why do people treat me like crap, and they don't know me? are there horrible rumors or something? -sighs - i'll probably never know.